Sunday, June 29, 2008

Sheriff Buford

Tocko (my aunt) called me from Kentucky yesterday asking where my sister was and telling me about all the family coming in from Ohio and Florida for a July 4th shindig at the old home place. Short call really, but near the end Tocko told me my cousin Jan had just called her from the road. She was driving up from Florida and was in Georgia right now. My mind instantly started churning, a plan was forming. “She’s in Georgia right now?” Oh boy. “Bye Tocko!”

Anyone who knows my cousin Jan also knows she views the speed limit as merely a recommendation. They really don’t expect people to drive as slow as 70 mph on the interstates. Time for me to have some fun.

I grab my cell phone, yell at everyone in the house to be quiet and call Jan’s cell. I obviously use a very southern accent and disguise my voice as much as possible.

Jan: “Hello.”
Joe: “Good afternoon maam, this here’s Sheriff Buford Beauregard of the State Patrol.”
Jan: “Ok.”
Joe: “We’ve been monitoring you driving up I75 and would really like for you to slow down.”
Jan: “What!?!
Joe: "Yes maam, we been keeping an eye on you."
Jan: "Joe? Is that you?” (She didn’t really call me Joe, my family call me by my middle name.)
Joe: Uncontrollable laughter.
Jan: “I don’t believe you,,,,,,I had already started slowing down and was getting ready to pull off the road.”

Jan wouldn’t have known it was me except one little error. I thought she was on I75, she was actually traveling on I95, and they'd just crossed the South Carolina state line.

I still got her though. BUT WAIT!!! IT GETS BETTER.

Jan told me Laura was in the car behind her, gave me her cell phone and told me I needed to pull the joke on her. I needed no further encouragement. (Laura is Jan’s daughter and my favorite cousin to play jokes on.)

: “Hello.”
Joe: “Good afternoon maam, this here’s Sheriff Buford Beauregard of the South Carolina State Patrol.”
Laura: “Ok.”
Joe: “We’ve been monitoring you driving on I95 and would really like for you to slow down some maam.”
Laura: “Ok. Yes sir.”
Joe: “That's good maam, this here’s just a courtesy call, now you drive safe.”
Laura: “Ok.”

I could hear it in her voice. Total, absolute fear. This was great!!!!

So I wait a minute and call Laura back.

Joe: Uncontrollable, bent over laughing.
Laura: “I slowed down so much I can’t even see Mom any more. I was ready to pull over.
Joe: Still uncontrollable, bent over laughing.
Laura: “I called Mom and she told me it was you. You’re dead!!!!”
Joe: Still laughing. “Laura honey,,,,,your Mom was the one that gave me your cell phone number.”

As George Peppard said on The A Team. “I love it when a plan comes together.”

So,,,,,,how was your weekend?

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